By K. A. Laity
For a complicated recipe like this, it is always best to start with the essentials. Of course for these cupcakes, brandy is absolutely required – and not just any brandy, either.
I would recommend the Paulet Lallique or Pierre Ferrand Memoire Vintage Edition, (although the Pierre Ferrand Grande Champagne 1972 Vintage will do in a pinch). While tastes vary greatly, of course, it is advisable to secure the very best brandy in order to achieve the fine results this recipe ought to have.
Taste tests are the best way to determine this. Line up several snifters of various brands, so that the light catches the light of the globes. Candlelight is best, so light a candle and position it so that the light both warms the glass and illuminates the colour of the liqueur.
Here is where Alexander comes in handy. Your Alexander, like your brandy, will probably vary according to individual tastes, but for this recipe it is best if he is reasonably strong and particularly good at tasks like lighting small candles and pouring brandy.
Be sure to set up your cupcake pans first. Placing the little paper cups in the slots is something Alexander can do while you continue to consider which brandy is the clearly superior one. Don't forget to take into consideration colour and bouquet as well as taste. Your guests will doubtless be discerning types who will judge you harshly for selecting an inferior grade of brandy.
While you continue to weigh the merits of the various brandies, have Alexander sift the flour. I don't know why it's important, but apparently it's essential to make your cupcakes turn out fluffy and sweet. Have him warm the eggs, too.
Eggs that are room temperature provide a better binding agent for the ingredients. Simple body heat is the most efficient method to bring eggs to room temperature. Examine Alexander to determine where his body might expend sufficient heat to warm the eggs appropriately. Ask him to hold the eggs in those locations.
Help him if necessary.
When the eggs are warm, taste the brandy again to see if the warming has released previously unglimpsed complexities. If your assessment of which brandy has proved to be superior has changed, begin the process again. If Alexander is bored, let him try the brandy, too, or have him melt the chocolate in a double boiler. If you do not have a double boiler, have Alexander set the eggs aside and try to melt the squares of chocolate between your bodies Insist to Alexander that this is perfectly in keeping with culinary science.
If you have run out of your selected brandy, go right ahead and use the next best choice. After all, who are these people making you cook anyway? They're not real friends, or they wouldn't be forcing you to do something so domestic when they know you're absolutely hopeless in the kitchen.
Cry on Alexander's shoulder and complain that no one really understands you, but you're sure that he has a special bond with you provided by cooking together. Explain that you need some help getting to bed and undressing.
In the morning, awake blearily uncertain to find the eggs and Alexander gone. Eat what's left of the melted chocolate for breakfast and put the empty bottles in recycling. Hide the package of cupcake liners in the back of the cupboard. Email friends and explain that you had a fabulous night out with a hot babe and forgot all about the party. Call in sick, drink copious amounts of caffeine and curl up with a romance.
You never liked the name Alexander anyway.
Image via Stud Muffins Book